You know how when you have a dream, and then you achieve that dream, it can suddenly become a terrifying experience because now it's like, "Uh. Now what?"
I am kind of feeling like that right now.

I've been working on my novel ever since last semester, and nothing I do seems right. It's not that it gets bad reviews at workshop or anything, but it's like I don't know what the crap I'm doing. I don't know how to write a novel. I don't know how to structure a novel. I keep changing it and revising it and it keeps sucking.

I used to feel such a pressure to be brilliant, but I've sort of given myself the freedom to write crap this term, and apparently I am incapable of anything else.

But that's just my fiction experience.

My poetry workshop/song writing collaboration is going much more smoothly. Actually, it appears that I'm not too shabby at the whole poem writing business. Which is interesting because I tend to think all my poetry sucks. However, my favorite living poet has frequently complimented my work and said how glad he was that I was in the class (I'm the only fiction writer masquerading as a poet this term).

Which is not to suggest that my fiction does not suck. I am not trying to be modest here (see praises from David St. John above). It actually sucks. I bet if I plugged my fiction writing into the wall, it would vacuum better than our sucky vacuum.

I honestly don't know what to do here. My novel just doesn't seem to be working, but every other idea I try, I end up hating after a page and losing all motivation.

I got nominated for The New York State Summer Writers Institute Scholarship today. I have to confess two things: 1) Obviously, I have never attended one of these things and 2) I've heard that these events can end up being a weird sort of writer orgy where people are just trying to get in each other's pants the entire time, and the writing isn't really focused on. Needless to say, I wouldn't really want to endure that kind of atmosphere, being happily married and sexually satisfied at home.

Even if I got the scholarship, I'd be gone anywhere from 2 weeks to a month (during July, so I'd be missing our birthdays, and by our I am referring to B's birthday and mine). And it'd still cost approximately $276 in roundtrip airfare. Then $630 for room and board for 2 weeks ($1260 for a month). If I stayed for a month, I could get college credit, but then I'd have to pay an additional $350. Although I wouldn't have to pay the cost of the tuition (which runs anywhere from $1000-$2000).

I don't know if it'd be worth it to be 3000 miles away from the person I love most in the world just to be neurotic and self-conscious about my writing in the Eastern Standard Time Zone.

Labels: grad school, los angeles, travel, writing

( 2comments )

at March 2, 2006 2:34 PM  Anonymous said...

You would, in fact, have the unparalleled opportunity to be neurotic and self-conscious about your writing in the Eastern Daylight Time Zone.

This is not to suggest that the Eastern Standard Time Zone doesn't suck. It sucks massively. If you placed the Eastern Standard Time Zone next to a black hole, it would suck the black hole inside out. I was merely pointing out that it sucks one full hour ahead of the time in which it currently sucks.

 

at March 2, 2006 3:05 PM  Lorie said...

Is this a workshop that carries some sort of prestige that would look good on a resume (or C.V. or whatever it's called in academia)? Otherwise, it sounds like if you're looking for a workshop/retreat experience, you'd be better off shopping around some more before committing to one.