I patrol some Childfree By Choice forums and someone posted this e-mail she received from a neighbor. The response has been hilarious, granted, probably only hilarious if you're CFBC. My comments are going to be the ones in the italics. Anyone who cares to join me in a group barf is free to do so. The reason why I chose to post this e-mail is because I encourage all those who are on the fence to read it. If, after reading it, you think this list sounds super (try to not let my comments sway you in that case) then maybe you should have kids. But I have to say, a lot of these "wonderful moments" don't seem that wonderful to me, not to mention that the truly great moments can be had without children.

So without further adieu. Here's the post:

I received this email from my neighbor, who is always trying to get me to join her on the motherhood train. The message annoyed me because all it does is break down the "kodak moments" and gloss the rest over and by golly "your kids will grow up to love you!" And fails to mention much about the teenage years. Here goes...... (poster was sassmuffin)

>>>>>>>Cost of a Child I have chosen not to comment on this part because I think it speaks for itself...

The government recently calculated the cost of raising a child from birth to 18 and came up with $160,140 for a middle income family. Talk about sticker shock! That doesn't even touch college tuition. But $160,140 isn't so bad if you break it down. It translates into:

~ $8,896.66 a year,

~ $741.38 a month, or

~ $171.08 a week

~ That's a mere $24.24 a day!

Just over a dollar an hour.

Still, you might think the best financial advice is don't have children if you want to be "rich." Actually, it is just the opposite.

What do you get for your $160,140? Here's where I'm gonna let the comments rip.

~ Naming rights. First, middle, and last! I get that with my cat. I got that with our fish, when we had fish. And no, Zhoul doesn't have a middle name, because I think middle names are stupid. Also, I can name my cat Zhoul because she doesn't have to put that on a business card that her name is Peaches Honeyblossom or Apple or Prince Michael Jackson. I would also like to state for the record that this is not a compelling reason to have kids. I get that this is supposed to be "ironic" or "kitschy" but it's really just annoying because I've met people who think this way for real.

~ Glimpses of God every day. More likely Satan. Have you been around a baby who can't stop crying? If that's a glimpse of God, then that must be the Old Testament deity.

~ Giggles under the covers every night. B gives me that, and might I say, a lot more.

~ More love than your heart can hold. I feel like my life is overbrimming with love. I lucked out. I adore my husband. We're still sweet and romantic with each other, even though we've been married nearly 4 years. I adore my family. I happen to have some pretty wonderful friends who make the effort to still be in our lives even though we're 2600 miles away. And the people in my Ph.D. program, at least the creative writing portion, have been fantastic and supportive. Why would I need a child? I feel offended by people who think that you can only truly know love if you have a kid. I feel love and know love every day.

~ Butterfly kisses and Velcro hugs. Gag. I hate butterfly kisses.

~ Endless wonder over rocks, ants, clouds, and warm cookies. Excuse me? I am fascinated by these things on my own. Even B joins me in this.

~ A hand to hold, usually covered with jelly or chocolate. Ew! Is this supposed to be a good thing?!

~ A partner for blowing bubbles, flying kites, building sand castles, and skipping down the sidewalk in the pouring rain. Honestly, who needs a partner to do these things? These things are fun solo, too. I happen to have done each of these with B, though. But even before I knew him, I made a habit of these things. I remember when I went to community college, it was on a hill and it'd get windy--perfect for kite flying--so I did. I started a trend. After a few days, there were people I didn't even know flying kites.

~ Someone to laugh yourself silly with, no matter what the boss said or how your stocks performed that day. Lorie does this to me even though we only talk over ICQ. And I get this with my brothers. And best of all, B and I have actually fallen off the couch laughing.

For $160,140, you never have to grow up. You get to:

~ finger-paint, carve pumpkins, play hide-and-seek, catch lightning bugs, never stop believing in Santa Claus. I'd like to state that a kid is not required. Not only can we do these things on our own--we should do these. Why do we have to have an excuse? (And why does that excuse have to be a child?)

You have an excuse to:

~ keep reading the Adventures of Piglet and Pooh, watching Saturday morning cartoons, going to Disney movies, and wishing on stars. Again, why do you need an excuse? I do these things, and proudly, right now. I just downloaded Alice in Wonderland to my MP3 player. I love books that are considered "Children's Literature" like The Series of Unfortunate Events and The Enchanted Forest Chronicles. I happen to sing "I'm just a little black raincloud. Hovering over the the honey tree. I'm just a little black raincloud. Pay no attention to me. Everyone knows that a raincloud. Never eats honey, no not a nip. Just over the ground, hoverin' around, wondering where I will drop" song from Winnie The Pooh frequently. I saw Harry Potter and The Goblet of Fire when it came out. I used to get up early on Saturday mornings to watch X-Men (that was last year, but then they took it off the air again). And I always wish on stars. Might I add that ALL of these things are way cheaper without children?

~ You get to frame rainbows, hearts, and flowers under refrigerator magnets and collect spray painted noodle wreaths for Christmas, hand prints set in clay for Mother's Day, and cards with backward letters for Father's Day. For one, I loathe backwards letters. I have since I was a kid and noticed the backwards R in Toys 'R' Us. Furthermore, I remember making a stupid heart vase thing for my mom in fourth grade that was hideous. So this is a plus? I think parents only display them to make the kids feel better. Nobody really likes them, do they?

You get to be a hero just for:

~ retrieving a Frisbee off the garage roof, taking the training wheels off a bike, removing a splinter, filling a wading pool, coaxing a wad of gum out of bangs, and coaching a baseball team that never wins but always gets treated to ice cream regardless I honestly don't remember ever being grateful or seeing my parents as a hero when they got the ball off the roof, because they yelled at me for having thrown it up there in the first place. I hated my father because he purposely dug further than he needed to when removing splinters with a needle. I remember being really angry at my mom for cutting the gum my brother put in my hair, because she was supposed to be able to get it out, she was a mom. See how deluded I was a child? I was horrid. I was horrid because I was a child and not old enough to appreciate these things. I wonder if buying an entire loser baseball team ice cream is part of the $160,140 price tag. Joy.

You get to be immortal. Uh. No. You're still gonna die. Who thinks this? I am just glad that I am smart enough to know that nothing is going to make me immortal.

You get another branch added to your family tree, and if you're lucky, a long list of limbs in your obituary called grandchildren and great grandchildren. Again, why is this a reason to have children? I don't get it. I think if I died tomorrow, plenty of people would mourn me. Isn't that enough?

You get an education in psychology, nursing, criminal justice, communications, and human sexuality that no college can match. In the eyes of a child, you rank right up there under God. Okay, so yes, I did equate my parents to God, but that's because they were the dictators of my life. And please. The "education" is bullshit.

You have all the power to heal a boo-boo, scare away the monsters under the bed, patch a broken heart, police a slumber party, ground them forever, and love them without limits, so one day they will, like you, love without counting the cost. Uh. Why are these things to look forward to? I never want to endure another slumber party again because the last slumber party I went to when I was 13 wasn't policed and the girls all ended up playing a naked game of Truth or Dare and then threw pinecones at my head the next day for not joining in. Children are evil.

Yep, this is a great email. If you're on the fence and this is presented as the BEST parts of parenting and you AGREE, then have kids. Because none of it sounds good to me, even w/out the price tag!

Ditto.

Another poster by the name of Laura (not Princess Blogonoke) responded with this:

Notice that they don't mention never being able to sleep late again in your life, filthy and smelly diapers, potty training, sticky fingers all over your nice furniture (until your nice furniture turns crappy), minivans with crushed Cheerios all over the floor, having no privacy, shrieking tantrums, a kid who does drugs, gets pregnant at the age of 13, gets thrown out of school, or is otherwise a juvenile delinquent. And--let's be realistic--what about special needs children? I'm not advocating some sort of Super Race or anything, but a child with special needs is a lot of work and very expensive to raise. Not to mention all the heartache and extra worry. I for one could not handle it. All of that is conveniently left out of this.

Oh, and not to mention how pregnancy can destroy a woman's body. At the very least, a woman's body permanently changes (wider hips, etc.). Miracle? Whatever. I cannot imagine much of anything that is more humiliating than lying spread eagle for all the world to stick their hand inside me while I'm suffering incredible pain for 12+ hours.

I have to agree. But on a more serious note, since a lot of my comments are sarcastic, I want to say that there is something that disturbed me fundamentally about this e-mail. I felt like the e-mail implied that if you don't do these things with your kids, and you don't value their little things and dedicate your entire life to your children, then that makes you a bad parent. Now, I might just be over-analyzing, and reading into things that aren't there. But I feel like you can still be a good parent even if you'd rather sleep in on Saturday rather than watching the kid's dumb cartoons (because the Saturday morning lineup ain't what it used to be folks...).

I just feel like I am sufficiently in touch with my inner child, and I can (and do) experience most of that stuff without the "excuse" of having a child. It actually saddens me that some people need such an excuse.

Labels: cfbc, childfree by choice, children, parenthood, the children question

( 6comments )

at February 18, 2006 1:49 AM  Lorie said...

"But I feel like you can still be a good parent even if you'd rather sleep in on Saturday rather than watching the kid's dumb cartoons (because the Saturday morning lineup ain't what it used to be folks...)."

I've never entirely understood the whole "get up early because the kids are getting up" thing. I'd stay up and watch Johnny Carson with my mom and then sleep until 10 or so in the morning because I was in afternoon kindergarten. I would be slightly disappointed when there were cartoons on at 8 a.m. on Saturday that sounded good, but I certainly wasn't getting up early for them. That's probably not normal, is it?

 

at February 18, 2006 10:21 AM  Samantha said...

Actually, from my experience, that does seem normal. B was the exact same way. He wasn't an early morning kid either.

 

at February 18, 2006 3:27 PM  Alex_Knight said...

One of the guys I work with. Nicest guy you could ever meet. Never had kids. Never once said he wanted them, neither he nor his wife. (Mind you, he's 58 now.) Doesn't even seem like he's unhappy about it. He has nieces and nephews, and he says that's good enough for him. Just as it'll be good enough for me.

 

at February 18, 2006 4:47 PM  Samantha said...

Yeah, my sister-in-law is working on a niece or a nephew for us right now. It's actually kind of sad that we don't live in Michigan because I would like to be part of that child's life. I just don't think I want one of my own.

 

at February 20, 2006 10:33 PM  Anonymous said...

What is wrong with you people? Don't you realize that childbearing is:
A) Your civic duty - Statistics show that a society with a growing population is more productive and hence can create more weapons with which to destroy other societies.
B) A moral imperative - If only stupid people have kids, then ummm... wait. Never mind.
C) A religious mandate - Go forth and multiply! All you single cell organisms, stop dividing! It's a good thing God wasn't taking calculus, or the order might have been to integrate.

As you can see there are numerous (three) reasons why you should have kids. What's this world coming to? Stop thinking for yourself. It only leads to anarchy.

 

at February 27, 2006 5:24 PM  Samantha said...

Well I'm sold! ;)

I think I like this Anonymous person...