I am on Winter Break right now, and so I have had a lot of time on my hands. It could definitely qualify as the Summer of George, if it was summertime or if I was a short, stalky, bald man. Well, I guess I have half of it down. It feels like summertime outside, even though it's December. Thank you, L.A.

So in between playing Fatal Frame II: Crimson Butterfly, We Love Katamari and the World of Warcraft demo, I haven't been doing a lot of reading yet, but I have been doing a lot of thinking. Mostly about that age-old phobia. I was able to be distracted from such fears this semester, being too busy to be neurotic agrees with me. But I've realized that not all of my reading (and brooding) over the summer on the subject of children has not been completely for naught. Because I started to re-evaluate the subject.

My sister-in-law is having a baby. She is seven weeks and one day along--well, that was three days ago, so technically she's seven weeks and four days along now. Yeah, apparently doctors are that good. And she's so happy. And I realized I was envious. I was not envious that she's having a baby, but I was envious that she could be so happy about it. Because I know that if I got accidentally pregnant, I would be mortified.

I lurk on these Childfree By Choice (CFBC) forums, and I learned that Anderson Cooper had a segment on his show about the CFBC lifestyle. Afterwards, there was a short debate between the Albert Mohler, president of the Southern Baptist Theological Seminary, and author Madelyn Cain, whose book The Childless Revolution I read over the summer. If you're interested in reading the transcript of the show, click here.

After a few back-and-forths between the Southern Baptist and Madelyn Cain, where it became quite clear that Mohler equates having children as a requirement of marriage, "Well, in the first place I find it incredibly sad. I think most viewers watching that segment that you just very capably put forth, just demonstrates that this is really about avoiding the responsibilities of parenthood. And I find that profoundly sad. You know, obviously, there is a tremendous moral point to be made here. These couples -- well, they have to be very thankful that their parents didn't make the same decision [to be childfree]. And society depends upon parenthood and the raising of children being seen as a norm for married couples and as something that is of social value."

However, the debate became quite amusing when Mohler admitted this juicy tidbit, "I mean, obviously, if everyone in society even thought about this for an extended period of time, you know, we would not have any children. We have to understand that parenthood is to be understood as a part of marriage itself."

Sure, it's very easy to point out that Mohler undermined his own argument, and that frankly I agree. It is exactly because I have thought about it that I'm not getting suckered into having kids, not even by accident.

But then I wondered: Why do people choose to have children? Is it because they haven't really thought about it? Is it because they've been raised to think it's just the order of life? Who actually wants children, and why? I really liked an important point that Cain made, "all children should be wanted children. Not children had out of obligation." I totally agree. But I am baffled at how children who are accidents can be wanted. And are they wanted for the right reasons?

I was an accident for my parents. Actually, I was the second accident, even though I am the oldest of three children. Yes, that means my parents had an abortion before me. My parents married at 19 and 21 (sounds eerily similar to B's and my situation, doesn't it?), and got pregnant within the year (thankfully not similar to our situation).

My dad told my mom that he was not ready to be a father, and essentially freaked out. My mom didn't really know what to do, and so she went through with an abortion. When she got pregnant the second time, with me, my dad still said he wasn't ready, but that my mom could do whatever she wanted (meaning either abort me or keep me). She had scheduled an abortion, but cancelled it.

And so I came into the world: to a mother who wanted me by accident, and to a father who has resented me ever since. But my mother has repeatedly told me that she really only had me so she wouldn't be lonely. That she wanted a companion, since my father wasn't really what she needed. She wanted someone to love her unconditionally. She wanted "a reason to wake up in the morning."

That's a lot of pressure for a little kid.

I never wanted to be in that situation or put B in that situation or put a child in that situation. And so I started to wonder what I would do if I did accidentally get pregnant--which thankfully has less than 0.01% chance of happening since I'm on a birth control pill now. But I'm pretty sure I would make the same choice my mother and father did, even though I'm happily married. I wondered if that made me a monster. But then, my mother made the same choice, and I don't think she's a monster. I think she was very brave. And I am thankful that she had the strength to make such a hard decision because if I ever have to make the same decision, I know it would be easier for me to make because of her.

It's not just me who feels this way. B has since had a change of heart and agrees that he'd want me to get an abortion as well. I remember there was a time when this would not have even been an option in his mind. I remember when we had to take a compatibility test before we were allowed to get married in the Catholic church, and the area of children was the only area that we were deemed not compatible. We had never really talked about it, I mean we were 20 and 22. But there we were, plunked down in front of Deacon Dan as he asked what our thoughts were about children. I don't even remember what the questions were, or what other possible responses there were, all I knew was that I had marked every box against having them. Brad must have marked some boxes in the opposite direction; it's three and a half years later, and I still do not know how he answered those questions, not even B remembers. I do remember the word "someday" being used a lot. And I remember I didn't say much at all. But it's weird, I generally have an extremely good memory, but I honestly can't remember that conversation at all. What's more, is that we still didn't discuss children after that. I guess we figured we were so young, we wouldn't have to deal with it ever.

But we do have to deal with it. We all have to deal with it: either by addressing it or ignoring it, and I would like to kindly encourage anyone who thinks they will get married eventually to address the topic of children before getting engaged, or at least shortly thereafter. I think B and I were ignorant about this subject. I mean, we even had a prime opportunity to talk about it after our meeting about the compatibility test, and we didn't. I know I was extremely uncomfortable discussing such things, and I still am. But I recommend at least broaching the topic at some point before the actual marriage. Although, I realize this is probably something older, more mature couples would actually discuss before getting married anyway. But I know for me, it's been a stressful and scary topic, and it's embarassing to even talk about... and I don't even know why it's embarassing. But I hate actually discussing it aloud. So don't make the same mistake I made. And it's probably best not to make the same mistake my sister-in-law made. Somewhere in between our two extremes is probably a happy middle ground, I just hope you can find it.

But the "why" still eludes me. I guess for some people the "why" doesn't matter. But if it doesn't matter, then why go through with it at all?

Labels: cfbc, childfree by choice, childhood, children, los angeles, parenthood, parents, pregnancy, the children question, video games

( 3comments )

at December 29, 2005 2:05 PM  Jack's Shack said...

I love being a parent but I don't think that it is for everyone. Too hard unless you really want to do it.

 

at December 29, 2005 2:48 PM  Samantha said...

I hope you come back and share your insights. I just commented your page inviting you back to share your experience. I'd be interested to know what made you decide to have kids in the first place, and also what you love about being a parent versus the stuff that is hard.

 

at December 29, 2005 10:51 PM  Jack's Shack said...

Hi Samantha,

I have always loved kids. I really am a five year-old trapped in a man's body. I have always wanted to be a father. It is not something that is solely based upon logic or reason or upon faith. Some of it comes from with my gut, the desire to propagate and pass on my thoughts and values and hope that my children help to make the world a better place.

Children require tremendous amounts of energy. There are many sacrifices both emotional and financial and a ton of rewards that come with being a parent. Words don't adequately express the joy/horror/fear that being a parent can bring. For me the joy is overwhelming. I am happier far more often than I am unhappy.

I don't think that everyone should be a parent or that there is anything wrong with choosing not to be. If I didn't have any children I could guarantee an early retirement, travel more often and have freedom to do so many other things.

But as I mentioned I don't mind waiting to do those things.

If I remember correctly your profile says that you are 24. You are still really young. Take a little time to enjoy life without children and to experience things because with kids things change. I happen to think that life is better but there are moments in which you want to scream.

Don't know if that makes any sense but it is a starting point.