I have a problem. And it's not as simple as Lactose Intolerance. I am like two people, and they're killing each other. One of my personalities is a veritable social butterfly: very outgoing and vibrant and bubbly, the other personality is an insanely introverted homebody who hates leaving the comfort of her home.

I just went through Orientation for the Writing Program in order to be an Assistant Lecturer at USC, and I feel like I truly lucked out because the other members of my orientation group are really spectacular in that they're all genuinely nice, friendly and they're interesting to boot. (Where did that expression come from, by the way? "To boot!" Canada is the easy answer.)

I was invited to go along to something called Grad Bar, which was like a specialized meat market for graduate students. Three of the single members of my group went and found out it was more like clubbing with intellectuals (we all thought it was going to be casual, like a dive bar where people talk and mingle). But I didn't go, my reasons being four-fold: 1) I'm married and my husband wouldn't have been able to go with me because he was working and working at Games Workshop is tiring enough 2) I'm married and even though my husband would have been totally fine with my going with my three fellow female orientation mates, it still felt wrong 3) I don't really drink and 4) I don't dance.

We had a break between the end of Orientation and our departmental meeting this morning, and when I asked my orientation buddies about the other night at Grad Bar, I felt like I had missed out somehow. Granted, I missed out on an experience I didn't really want anyway, but I still felt like I missed out.

I was invited to go to a potluck tomorrow evening at one of the orientation buddies apartments, and I can't go. I mean, I physically can't go, but even if I couldn't physically go, I wonder if I would have ended up not going anyway.

I have this problem where I am very friendly and outgoing. I genuinely take an interest in getting to know people. But when it starts to go deeper, I shut down. A few of my friends can attest to this, not only because some of them have experienced it, but also because I have had a problem warming up to a married couple--who by all rights I shouldn't have a problem warming up to--but I do anyway. They're perfectly friendly, warm, outgoing, interesting people. But I feel like I have nothing in common with them. I'm not sure if it's because they've pointed out on at least three occasions (that I can remember) that I'm closer in age to their eldest daughter than to either of them. Also, between the two of them, they do have 6 children (only one together). That might have something to do with it.

However, these new people in my life are fellow grad students, in the English Department, one of them is even in Creative Writing (she's incoming poetry, and I'm incoming fiction). Even though it's insanely hard for me to feel close to people, I have no problem sharing histories, like where I'm from or the fact that I was fired for not being pretty enough to answer phones (it's amazing what 6 months away from the situation can do for clarity--I actually think it's funny now). Even though I can share personal stories, I can't seem to share myself.

It's so hard to feel close to anyone.

What I can't help but wonder is: since this is essentially the second time I haven't gone to a social event with these genuinely nice and friendly and interesting people, will I ever get another chance or have I already blown them?

( 3comments )

at August 20, 2005 1:32 AM  Lorie said...

I think it's a bit premature to make any sort of predications about who you will or won't be friends with after you've only been there for a couple of weeks, if that. I'm sure there will be many other times when a group of people go out somewhere or have a potluck, especially since your program so far has seemed really good about creating a support network for grad students. I think social occasions will flow well from that.

And what's with the links to random things like flower arrangements and lactose intolerance? Is that supposed to give you higher Google rankings or better Adsense or something?

 

at August 20, 2005 12:49 PM  Samantha said...

I like my random links. :P

 

at August 20, 2005 9:30 PM  Lorie said...

I don't actually have a problem with them. They always just throw me for a second when I come across them.