As most frequent viewers and close friends know by now: I do not want to have children. A few weeks ago, Z and I sat down and had the most honest conversation I've probably ever had in my life, and we discussed the subject of children. Now, Z doesn't want to have children either--maybe. He says that his opinion might change in the future, but he doesn't want to close the door entirely on the possibility. Me, on the other hand, I am not so open-minded. It took a lot of talking, and me revealing some vulnerability in the form of fears and concerns, to even convince me to just consider the remote possibility of someday, way in the future, maybe, having children. I promised that I would think about being open to the possibility.

And I was. Honestly. I was. Being unemployed until August 8th means that I have a lot of time to think. But when USC called, and sent the contracts for my Assistant Lectureship, I was the happiest I've been in a very long time. I felt humble and proud at the same time that USC would choose me to not only attend their school, but that they'd pay for my school and pay me to teach. It is honestly a dream come true for me, and I feel lucky because I already had a dream come true 4 years ago but then I let it go. It's rare in this life that you get a second chance at a dream, and I felt honored and privileged. I feel like I'm the little boy who sits in the crook of the crescent moon, ya know minus the penis.

But what I did not mention was that once I signed and sent the contracts back to USC, I felt like that was the end of the consideration of the remote possibility of someday, maybe, way in the future, of ever having children.

Now, it's easy to say you want kids or you don't want kids. But back in the ancient times of confused, indoctrinated adolescence, I thought I wanted to be a mother someday. But I wasn't going to be like so many of my friends (some of whom were teenage mothers themselves) and blindly follow the flow of the crowd. So I did some research. I talked to all the mothers I knew. I talked to the young mothers and "older" mothers, stay-at-home moms and career-moms; I even talked to teachers. I try to make informed decisions. I figured if I researched colleges and majors, why wouldn't I research an important life-altering decision?

After all that talking and questioning, I discovered that I could live a very fulfilling life without ever having children. My aunt put her career and life first, and it actually seemed like a very fulfilling life. In fact, it wasn't until after she had a kid that her life didn't seem fulfilling anymore. She had a baby after she got married at 38 years old and then got pregnant at 39. And even though I admire her decision the most of all the women I talked to--because she was brave enough to go against the societal norm--I would never want to mirror her experience. Having a baby hasn't enhanced her life at all, it just turned her into a different kind of woman. She says she likes her life. But it's 13 years later, and she still talks about how she gave up a very successful ($65,000 a year) career to be a mom.

But why sacrifice your life and dreams, and the dreams of your spouse, someone you know and love, for the sake of an unknown person you may end up not liking at all once they get old enough to have a personality?

My uncle (he is not married to my aforementioned aunt, he's her brother) argues with me every time I see him because every time I see him he asks me the same question: "So when are you guys going to have a kid?" And I've been giving him the same answer for 3 years: "We do not plan to procreate." That's where the argument begins because he calls me selfish, and pontificates that a human can only learn how not to be selfish by having children. I beg to differ. "Is it selfish to know what I want in life? Is it selfish to put my desires ahead of society's idea of normalcy?"

In my opinion, there is nothing wrong with deciding to remain child-free. In fact, knowing what you want out of life is not only brave, it is responsible. For me, family means something different than it does to other people. It means focusing all of my love and attention on just my husband instead of splitting it up among three kids and PTA meetings. For me, family is the man I fell in love with and decided to marry. Oh, and our cat.

I do not think my decision is selfish. However, I like to think that I am spoiled, and so is my husband. I like having the extra time and energy (and on occasion, the extra cash) to spoil the man I love. I like getting up with him in the morning, making him breakfast and fixing him a lunch to take with him to work. I loved that when I was leaving the house at 7 a.m. he knew that eating that early in the morning makes me ill and so he'd make me coffee, every morning, instead. I like staying up until 4 a.m. playing video games with him. I like being able to take advantage of his two days off in a row and making an impromptu trip to San Jose and The Winchester Mansion. It makes me happy that even though we're stretching the finances, he can still occasionally indulge in his hobbies at 60% off, and he doesn't get mad when I buy a really cute, half-price, shirt. But most of all, I love waking up with him, just him, in the mornings. We can cuddle up under the covers and rub each other's skin without a time limit. Heck yeah I'm spoiled--and loving it.

My decision to remain childfree is not evil, neurotic or coldhearted. My decision does not make me myopic. I see the possibility of having children and it is something I choose not to experience. Why do I have to be open to the possibility of someday, way in the future, when there are hover cars and apes are taking over the planet, to the chance that maybe we'll have kids? I know what I want out of life. I love my marriage the way it is. And I'm strong enough to make a decision about the way I want my life to be.

How could that be wrong?

( 2comments )

at June 3, 2005 4:51 AM  Power_Overwhelming said...

Long as you're happy, there's nothing wrong with your decision. A lot of people feel that they need to have children to make an everlasting mark on the world. Some might even think of it as the key to the meaning of life. Just depends on your worldview really. But the fact of the matter is, we all seek happiness in life. And if that's what you got, then you're in good shape.

 

at June 8, 2005 9:42 AM  Ish said...

I'd say I'm open to the possibility, but its much more in the way you've discussed. Like, I'm open to the possibility of becoming a frontiersman on one of the first colonized planets. That doesn't mean I realistically believe its likely, but if the opportunity presented itself in a way I thought it was a good idea, then I'd consider it.

The decision not to have children seems far less selfish than the decision to have them "for the sake of the marriage". Gods, what a horrible idea that is.

"Well, our relationship is already really fucked up and I don't think it will keep going like it is, so lets *create life* and put it in the middle of the situation and that should makes things better". That seems to me as the height of selfishness.

And sure, one becomes less selfish through the process of raising a child, I can easily understand how that mechanism works. But that's a really really bad reason to have children, too.

The pro-life debate has gotten so crazy, that if carried further to its (quasi)logical extreme I can see laws requiring people have children, or otherwise they are destroying their "capacity for life" by not using their sperm and ova.

Creating life is not a decision that should be taken lightly, and I'm glad you don't accept it as your duty. I'd caution you somewhat against an ultimatum here, though. If aging teaches us anything its that our ideas and beliefs tend to change along with our bodies. We may remain essentially the same, but there are regular changes from who we were at 16, 18, 25 to who we become at 40. This is not necessarily a sign of weakness.