I've been without motivation for a while. I thought graduating would be my source of motivation. I thought getting the hell out of Maryland, could also, be another source of motivation. But it has not. My grades for last semester read: B, B, C, C. I only had 4 classes, 12 credits, but it was just about the hardest semester I can remember. And it wasn't just the course work, it was everything. This place... the people... the phenomenally horrible drivers... Me... I had a really big problem with myself last term, that I cannot quite put into words. I remember trying to write an essay about all of my wonderful qualities for graduate school applications, but it seemed so fake. I started to wonder why the heck would these places want me anyway? The effort I put forth to applications was lacking at best. I wouldn't be surprised if none of the grad school accept me--especially after my grades this last term.


Anyway... I found out my grade for my writing internship class, and that was one of the 'C's I received. I felt majorly betrayed, because I was an awesome tutor. So what if my tutoring logs didn't use "tutoring language"? But it just turns out that those teachers are evil, and held some kind of grudge against me the entire semester. And I don't usually whine like that. I mean, if I do a half-assed job in a class--I admit it: like when I only went to 4 classes of American Musical Theatre all semester all and got a C. Or if a class really busts my butt and I'm grateful for the grade I got: like the C I got in British Medieval Literature and Biology. But when I'm given a grade unfairly, it just pisses me off--because, well, that's never really happened before. It's like I've picked up an anger ball and haven't been able to set it down. And I crave for some kind of distraction.


Even now, I should be doing some math homework since I have a test tomorrow, but instead my website has consumed my entire attention today.


Maybe my priorities are screwed up.


"Yeah, probably."


Stop talking to yourself, Sammy.


"Okay."


See! Look at all the bad habits I picked up while I wasn't blogging!


In other news...


I've been taking Tai Chi Chih (pronounced "Chu" like "Chuck," without the "ck") and a math class, and it's been going really well. I'm doing really well in my math class. I guess if I can survive a junior level physics course without any background in science or math--whatsoever--and still get a B in that class, I can survive a 100 level math class.


As for Tai Chi Chih, it's been a very enlightening and opening experience. I thought the "Chi" was just something people used to make fun of New Age people on television. Or maybe something Zen Buddhist monks felt. But it wasn't something that I'd ever be able to feel.


But when I do the movements, I'm actually able to feel an energy--something I can only describe that's like holding two really huge magnets with opposite polarity in the palms of my hands. And when I'm really into the exercises, it feels like I'm moving through water. But friction-less water.


It's pretty cool.


And so this Tai Chi Chih thing is helping me let go out of that ball of anger that I've been carrying around. Letting go is not as easy as I thought it was going to be... but already my shoulders feel lighter than normal. When I leave the apartment, and see the broken bottles, used condoms, cigarette butts and coffee cups littering the ground around my car, I am no longer angry. When I drive, and people cut me off, or are just stupid, I am no longer angry. When I play my guitar, I don't get upset with myself for strumming the wrong strings. And when I would usually be appalled with myself and my grades last semester, this semester I am not. All of the petty things are just falling around me and I no longer allow it effect me. It's a really great feeling. Even better than the "Chi."


But most of all, I'm not going to stress out about going to graduate school. I'm only 22 years old. If I don't get in now, I'll try next year, or maybe the year after that. I'm not in a hurry.



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